Hello, long time no see.
Hello, it's been such a very long while. Hope you are all doing well?
So, lots and lots of things really happened. Got my car license after nearly 10 years of getting ripped off of paying over $2000+ worth of lessons, only to be told that I could've been a full license driver within 2 years. ( your provisional ( Ps) and and then Provisional 2 { P2s) and congrats, full license). I ended up finding another driver instructor and she helped me within 6 months got my Ps, and now I'm less than 6 months away from being a full license driver.
I stopped drawing for nearly 2 years, I wasn't able to even turn on my computer without having anxiety inducing it more. and even when I did, I open Photoshop and still couldn't bring myself to draw. I've tried doodling and scribbles, but to no avail. So I stepped away and never picked up my tablet until this year. I brought a new Tablet ( since wacom stopped the supportive driver for the intous4, so I ended up saving for a new one), and began drawing again.
It wasn't easy that's for sure. Getting used to the new feeling a new and smaller sized tablet it took months to get used to it, and even draw something properly. I even brought Clip Studio Paint, and had fun with that, though my computer is THAT old, the program lags and glitches; that's not its fault at all. I don't have money to get a new computer. so I'm just making sure it gets updated and well maintained for as long as it can.
Unfortunately, I didn't come with good news during all of this huge absence. I went through a tough time and with trauma. I wont go into too much detail, however it is triggering for some readers if I mentioned it. All I can say is I don't leave the house that very much anymore, more likely so in my life. Punishment's did get carried out onto the horrible people, I can move on. I am seeing therapy as we speak.
I also got sick for a couple of months straight. it's not very nice, even the doctors were very unhelpful and rude. They all have this Rona on their mind, when there other virus' other than the C rona. even one told me that I was "allergic to cold air" I wish I could make this up. only 1 doctor helped and took it seriously, and now I'm all better.
theres more events, but I wont cram it all in, most of it is just me staying at home. I do however NEED to re watch ALL DragonBall Z episodes all the way through to DragonBall Super. I've missed out on so much, I haven't even brought the new game either ( im planning to) if anyone can bring me back up to speed, I highly appreciate it.
Well, that's all for now. now that all the dust is settled and winter is in, I'm going to watch DBZ and catch up on everything ive missed.
See ya, love ya xxxooo
First ever Pride Month Celebration
If you haven't please head on over to this amazing journal to read and celebrate this amazing Pride Month:
30 Days of PrideDeviantArt is brighter and more diverse thanks to the many LGBTQ+ members that contribute to our vibrant community. Celebrate #30DaysOfPride with our Eclipse-friendly cover images and avatars, then join the conversation to get the #Pride2019 Profile badge!
Join DeviantArt in celebrating Pride Month! Eight artists have created Eclipse-friendly Pride-themed cover images and avatars, and we'll be featuring 30 LGBTQ+ artists throughout the month.
Around the globe, June is celebrated as LGBTQ+ Pride Month, with an outpouring of love, self-expression, confidence, and solidarity. Along with the many talented artists who call DeviantArt their home, we are proud to put forward our own celebration of the LGBTQ+ community for Pride!
Pride Month is a time t
So, I thought I share this with you all.
Yesterday I came out to my Family and friends. I was really worried and scared that I will lose them all or some of them at least, but I wanted to be over and done with, to be free of something that I wanted to say for years ( 13 years). I wasn't expecting all good news, especially the eldest of siblings, because I was afraid he will disown me and he is my huge role Model in my life and the best brother ever. I was so scared that he will never want to talk to me again. Rumors did spread within around the friends, that I was gay and never was interested in men, only women. Had those who thought I as Transgender because I never acted like a girl and only wore men's clothing and never liked girls clothes.
But wasn't what it was.
For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. At 17 I started noticing girls and looking at them, I felt sick and said that "this is wrong to look at them that way." I even had feelings for one girl and I was shaken by that newfound feeling. It didn't last long though, but still new to me. I swallowed down these "horrid" thoughts and looked down in shame. Growing up in a Roman Catholic family, I knew somehow that being attracted to the same sex is considered a disgusting thing and gross. I even thought it was gross and shameful, Also I was confused, thinking it was normal and it will pass that it was only a phase.
It wasn't.
It got stronger as I grew and now as an adult its out in the open...somewhat. But I also like men, only 1% i'm attracted to men, which is very unusual for me. I thought it would be the other way round or none at all. I got curious and needed to explore this and within exploring it turns out it's true. I like both but not in the same margin: 1% Men and the rest of it Females. Even when I was drinking ( I rarely drink) I got interested in females so much that I acted like a man and felt really happy and excited, where as with men I get stressed and feeling off.
Coming out to my family over at Facebook was the only way I can do it as it was on typing not by mouth. The response was not what I expected to be.
I will not lie, I did lost "friends" over this and got called names and just overall had those who thought were my friends leave without saying a word, had invasive question asked at me, in which I just stared at them for asking such a private questions. True friends came and commented that they are happy and support me and I was so very grateful that the accept me. My family, yes but with only 2% of them didn't do well, and just judge and make horrid jokes, I get the jokes but one of my family member just despises it. I no longer deal with that member anymore.
My brother is happy and accepts me, I am very happy about this as I was scared that he wouldn't like. But with great relief, he just sees me as his sister, no matter what. I almost cried because I look up to him allot.
My mum response is very heartfelt and it shocked me, she said: "That's one heavy weight of my shoulders." with a smile on her face. I cannot tell you how much that means allot to me, even with tears welling up in my eyes while typing this. my heart feels accepted and free and open into my family allot more and the bond as well. I was never that close to my family back then, always avoiding them, but now i'm there visiting them all the time.
My father doesn't care, he just says "do what you want." which is fine by me.
No point in tell about the 2 family members, they can rot. No skin off my nose.
I'm very happy with the response and I know there was going to be backlash, as always, cruel words, harsher than the sharpened sword to the throat. it hurts but I must ignore and move on with being myself and safe.
As for gender, I had allot of confusion, for 13 years I wanted to be a man. I always wanted a low voice and when I was a kid I thought growing male genitals happens when you grow up. Haha...What a innocent little child I was. It left with me with allot of ongoing battles and depression ( which i am professionally diagnosed) until 3 years ago seen a specialist and been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. it all made sense and was given lots of sessions for two years to start HRT. I was happy, the most happiest person I ever was, I felt more confident and outgoing, more social, smiling and new found wings to fly.
However that was about to change. Within a year on HRT, something unthinkable happened: thoughts of doubts came by all at once. It was crippling, very dark and horrible.
I thought to myself; "Am I making a mistake?" "how could I ever find a partner that loves me as a man?" "I love this dress but I cant wear it anymore, its sad." "I wanna wear this makeup, but I cant." "I LOVE this Gothic dress, but I cant wear it."
Those thoughts hurt me allot, I fell into a deep depression, locking myself up, thinking maybe I don't have Gender Dysphoria and I was misdiagnosed. I even questioned my existence and thought it would be best to leave this world and it will be better without me. I even still went to my appointments and explained my feelings and even apologized that maybe this is wrong that I dont have this Gender Dysphoria. The specialist said, "You have Gender Dysphoria, you are having a disconnection, which people who have it suffer from."
But it didn't sit right with me. He then gave me a article to read about a transgender an by the name of Buck Angel. He told me to read it and things will help me make sense of how I am feeling right now. He did ask if I am identifying other than Transgender. I wasn't quite sure of the answer as I was very confused myself. I told him that I will be stopping my HRT and he understood my reasons. The stopping of HRT stopped those horrid doubts in my mind and though helped me out, I felt empty.
For an Example:
Two people: One man, One woman and there's me; a grey figure in the middle.
It explains how I'm seeing myself today.
so, I experimented with dressing on clothes and makeup as such as time went on, I felt at loss. I was still confused and still questioning. Until I came across another article by a person POC { person of color], who also went through the same I was going through and it hit my heart right where it should.
Gender Neutral.
So at last I made a FB post yesterday, coming out about it all and now to you all on DA.
I finally feel at peace within myself,
I can fly now,
and move on.
Thank you.
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Tags:
#pridemonth2019 #prideflag #lbgtqia
So much amazing art!
New Prime Minister
Yes, Australia voted yesterday for a new Prime Minister and last night got the news that we now have Prime Minister: Scott Morrison.
Well, after all the mess that has been splayed, lets hope he can clean it up and get Australia out of the shit that's already in. While in the meantime I still think the future of Australia is fucked at the moment until something gets done, no one here will not believe a single word that is said until it's been done. the Australian people are not happy and I don't blame them either, there's so much shit that been fucking things up for hardworking Aussies, their asses are getting the shit.
Liberal, while i'm still skeptic of them...I just cant see A future for us, as I said before, unless something is done the right way for ALL Australian people.
best of Luck PM, all of Australia is now watching you with keen eyes.
I'm back in full swing now. My computer HDD died and now it's all fixed. I can draw again and start fresh
Setting everything all up again, bringing back all my drawing needs and the motivational to draw again. I'm soo glad and happy my laptop runs like a brand new computer. huge thanks to the computer tech for fixing it for me. i'm very grateful.
I also got very incredibly sick with a horrible Influenza Strain A. Couldn't eat any food for a week and moving was tough and rough. i'm all better, still not 100% better but in a better health than before. My doctor was concern that it would become worse, with fluid in my lungs. , so I saw him every couple of days incase I was sent to the hospital for that. lucky it didn't go that way.
also i'm no longer becoming interested in fan art for some reason...? I don't know, maybe because i'm getting sick of it or just wanna expand my drawing learning and get better now. I may start again, but that's okay!
i've lost touch in the whole fan art thing for a long time now. time to expand.
thats all for now, better start practicing art once again