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Pride Month is a time t
So, I thought I share this with you all.
Yesterday I came out to my Family and friends. I was really worried and scared that I will lose them all or some of them at least, but I wanted to be over and done with, to be free of something that I wanted to say for years ( 13 years). I wasn't expecting all good news, especially the eldest of siblings, because I was afraid he will disown me and he is my huge role Model in my life and the best brother ever. I was so scared that he will never want to talk to me again. Rumors did spread within around the friends, that I was gay and never was interested in men, only women. Had those who thought I as Transgender because I never acted like a girl and only wore men's clothing and never liked girls clothes.
But wasn't what it was.
For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. At 17 I started noticing girls and looking at them, I felt sick and said that "this is wrong to look at them that way." I even had feelings for one girl and I was shaken by that newfound feeling. It didn't last long though, but still new to me. I swallowed down these "horrid" thoughts and looked down in shame. Growing up in a Roman Catholic family, I knew somehow that being attracted to the same sex is considered a disgusting thing and gross. I even thought it was gross and shameful, Also I was confused, thinking it was normal and it will pass that it was only a phase.
It wasn't.
It got stronger as I grew and now as an adult its out in the open...somewhat. But I also like men, only 1% i'm attracted to men, which is very unusual for me. I thought it would be the other way round or none at all. I got curious and needed to explore this and within exploring it turns out it's true. I like both but not in the same margin: 1% Men and the rest of it Females. Even when I was drinking ( I rarely drink) I got interested in females so much that I acted like a man and felt really happy and excited, where as with men I get stressed and feeling off.
Coming out to my family over at Facebook was the only way I can do it as it was on typing not by mouth. The response was not what I expected to be.
I will not lie, I did lost "friends" over this and got called names and just overall had those who thought were my friends leave without saying a word, had invasive question asked at me, in which I just stared at them for asking such a private questions. True friends came and commented that they are happy and support me and I was so very grateful that the accept me. My family, yes but with only 2% of them didn't do well, and just judge and make horrid jokes, I get the jokes but one of my family member just despises it. I no longer deal with that member anymore.
My brother is happy and accepts me, I am very happy about this as I was scared that he wouldn't like. But with great relief, he just sees me as his sister, no matter what. I almost cried because I look up to him allot.
My mum response is very heartfelt and it shocked me, she said: "That's one heavy weight of my shoulders." with a smile on her face. I cannot tell you how much that means allot to me, even with tears welling up in my eyes while typing this. my heart feels accepted and free and open into my family allot more and the bond as well. I was never that close to my family back then, always avoiding them, but now i'm there visiting them all the time.
My father doesn't care, he just says "do what you want." which is fine by me.
No point in tell about the 2 family members, they can rot. No skin off my nose.
I'm very happy with the response and I know there was going to be backlash, as always, cruel words, harsher than the sharpened sword to the throat. it hurts but I must ignore and move on with being myself and safe.
As for gender, I had allot of confusion, for 13 years I wanted to be a man. I always wanted a low voice and when I was a kid I thought growing male genitals happens when you grow up. Haha...What a innocent little child I was. It left with me with allot of ongoing battles and depression ( which i am professionally diagnosed) until 3 years ago seen a specialist and been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. it all made sense and was given lots of sessions for two years to start HRT. I was happy, the most happiest person I ever was, I felt more confident and outgoing, more social, smiling and new found wings to fly.
However that was about to change. Within a year on HRT, something unthinkable happened: thoughts of doubts came by all at once. It was crippling, very dark and horrible.
I thought to myself; "Am I making a mistake?" "how could I ever find a partner that loves me as a man?" "I love this dress but I cant wear it anymore, its sad." "I wanna wear this makeup, but I cant." "I LOVE this Gothic dress, but I cant wear it."
Those thoughts hurt me allot, I fell into a deep depression, locking myself up, thinking maybe I don't have Gender Dysphoria and I was misdiagnosed. I even questioned my existence and thought it would be best to leave this world and it will be better without me. I even still went to my appointments and explained my feelings and even apologized that maybe this is wrong that I dont have this Gender Dysphoria. The specialist said, "You have Gender Dysphoria, you are having a disconnection, which people who have it suffer from."
But it didn't sit right with me. He then gave me a article to read about a transgender an by the name of Buck Angel. He told me to read it and things will help me make sense of how I am feeling right now. He did ask if I am identifying other than Transgender. I wasn't quite sure of the answer as I was very confused myself. I told him that I will be stopping my HRT and he understood my reasons. The stopping of HRT stopped those horrid doubts in my mind and though helped me out, I felt empty.
For an Example:
Two people: One man, One woman and there's me; a grey figure in the middle.
It explains how I'm seeing myself today.
so, I experimented with dressing on clothes and makeup as such as time went on, I felt at loss. I was still confused and still questioning. Until I came across another article by a person POC { person of color], who also went through the same I was going through and it hit my heart right where it should.
Gender Neutral.
So at last I made a FB post yesterday, coming out about it all and now to you all on DA.
I finally feel at peace within myself,
I can fly now,
and move on.
Thank you.
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#pridemonth2019 #prideflag #lbgtqia